I would do this via audio, as holding a camera up will likely be too much of a distraction and perhaps counteract the alcohol by inhibiting her behavior. See if she’ll agree to you running tape the next time she gets loaded. One exercise that could test her actual investment in your emotional response to her inebriated outbursts would be to record her drunk and then play the recording back when she is sober, thus confronting her with the extent of her capacity for degradation and making your account impossible to refute. Does she think that you’re lying when you inform her sober self of her drunken words? Whether she “would” say those things is immaterial when she already has. What’s further troubling is her sober response to your recounting of her drunken behavior.
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Whether it’s the alcohol talking or not, she has said what she has said, and sometimes people show you a lot about themselves in their darkest moments. You cannot be sure whether your wife has meant what she says-perhaps on the matter of your performance, she herself is ambivalent-but you can be sure that she has said cruel things to you, and thus is the kind of person who would do such a thing. The Gateway Foundation, a rehab center, offers some clarity on the range of inhibitions that alcohol can affect: The affected internal filter there would be one that regulates animosity, not truth-telling. In this case, the alcohol would be making it easier for your wife to just say whatever, true or not, for the sake of hurting you. For example, they could erode certain boundaries of etiquette, fostering negative behavior like lying for effect. Lowered inhibitions may also affect one’s reasoning in other ways. “A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” goes the adage, but in this case the man is a woman, and anyway, the adage isn’t entirely reliable. It is true that in lowering inhibitions, alcohol can operate as a truth serum. How much trust is in her drunk rants? And how can I better deal with them? I’ve brought these things up directly when she is sober, but she doesn’t remember saying them and insists that she would never have said them.
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I just don’t enjoy the humiliation part of it at all. And I am not providing everything she needs. I am open to the idea that I can be a better lover.